Riot

So, after  my last post about mistakes, it made me realise something :

 I am good at giving advice, but absolutely horrendous at taking it.

 I like to think I give good advice, I try to tell people to make choices which will make their lives a little better or easier. I tell my friends to stay away from boys/girls who aren't good for them, to take jobs which involve moving away, and to drink wine and eat copious amounts of Ben and Jerry's to nurse a breakup. I'd hop on a train to Cardiff, Manchester or Paris, if someone needed me, because in reality, I like the fact people feel like they can talk to me. It's not that I like feeling needed, it comes down to the fact that I like feeling like I've helped someone, made a difference, let them breathe for a second and reassess.

But when it comes to my own life? Nope. Not a chance. People can tell me what they want, I'll know they're right, and yet I won't listen. Well, I'll pretend to, might even believe I have, then go and do the complete opposite just because I'm stubborn. I dismiss wise words on the basis of my own inability to show insecurity, feeling like if i take it, it shows someone that I need them to make my life decisions for me, like I'm incapable of being in control.  I'm well aware of all of this, trust me, I know my faults better than anyone, I live with them everyday. It's like a CD that's scratched and keeps  splitting, stuttering ,staggering, you know it's broken, and needs replacing, but you'll still put it on because you don't want to fix it, because you like the way it is. I don't like tragedy, I don't revel in misery but for now I'm too wrapped up in myself to listen to anyone else. I'm completely responsible for my own actions, I have nobody to blame but myself, and I like that, I need that because it doesn't allow me to drag anyone else down with me.

I don't want anybody to sink, so maybe one of these days I'll take the life float that's chucked my way.

Let's Go Fly a Kite

someone make me one please..



Despite one of my favourite quotes being ' Never regret anything because at one time it was exactly what you wanted.' I am the Queen of regrets and mistakes. Ones that I can't speak of because they're either too embarrassing or because I can barely admit to myself that I made such an awful choice when faced with a better alternative. It's painful to admit but the majority of mine have been of recent, instead of in my teenage years. I think it has something to do with correctly feeling like I should know better.

So here is a list of some of the ones I feel able to share, note it's far from a complete list, but as there are still a few I can't actually deal with, this is the best I can do:

Mistakes Girls Make

1. the duck pout
2. Buying Uggs then walking in them on one side of your foot so it caves in like an addicts nose.
3.yolo leggings- yes these exist, and if you own a pair, be ashamed
4. scouse brows- you look like your face is sponsored by Nike
5. wearing a foundation so dark it looks like you've dipped your face in turpentine
6. getting so drunk you don't know how you got home, hello crimewatch
7. not telling people how they really feel
8. telling people how they really feel
9. giving up on some thing/one they love because it's not 'cool'
10. going out dressed like they work in the Red Light District
11. falling for someone you shouldn't and saying you can't do anything about it. yes you bloody well can.
12. getting a fringe when you have a squarer face then Spongebob
13. letting the boy have the cold pillow
14. making him a sandwhich when he asks- he'll expect it forever
15. ignoring your parents/friends/siblings/random drunk stranger's advice
16. wearing see through leggings, bloody hell that makes me ragey
17. overanalysing everything a boy says/doesn't say. If he likes you he'll do something about it.
18. taking him back when he has given you no belief he has changed
19. wearing Paul's Boutique
20. foundation lips, don't even get me started
21. going back to a random boys hottub after a lock in
22. wearing heels you can't walk in
23. losing a best friend because of being stubborn
24. dead spider lashes BUY A NEW MASCARA
25.  not seeing the bigger picture, morals, or values.

I'm guilty of far too many of these, but you know what. mistakes are there to be made, how else do we know not to repeat them or live in the wake of our past? Make them, now is the time to be reckless.

Not too reckless though, wear your seatbelt, don't smoke or do drugs kids.
x

standing in the dark

i am a massive prick most days
but today just feels worse somehow.

we throw our words around as if they were not gold. they are.

Yesterday was 22nd September 2012. It'll be just another day to around 85% of the word. Yesterday,for me it was far from another day.  I was a bridesmaid as i watched my best friend get married.

Em is 23 and shes been with Gibbo for 7 years. Their love is the kind that belongs in fairytales. It's unfaltering, unselfish and gives the rest of us singletons hope for something better. I couldn't have been more thankful for  being able to play a part in what was such a beautiful wedding. As she's now a wife, I'll have to muster up the strength to cope with not being able to drive 5 mins down the road for a film and a chat, but instead to jump on the train to her new house. It sounds sad but i feel sad, selfish i know, but I miss her already and she hasn't even left for her honeymoon yet.

So Em, this is for you:

From the days we spent in Science, realizing that Biology wasn't our life calling, you have been a constant and consistent presence in my life. In 6th form when we used to drive to tesco so you could get a roll and  packet of crisps for lunch because 'it's all that you need' or when you asked ' do your eyes feel wet? my eyes feel wet'  I knew that was it. I was going to force you to be my friend. Over the years you have given me the best advice, you're the wisest, most poised and elegant person i know. When other people encourage me to make stupid decisions because 'you only live once' you're always on the other side, actually looking out for what's best for me. You've got me through some of the most horrendous times by being so graceful and trying to instill that in me, rising above to be the bigger person is something that I've learnt from you. You take the opportunities which present themselves as things that will make you stronger, happier, better and encourage me to do the same. It goes without saying that you are beautiful, you only need to see pictures of you yesterday to see that. But it goes deeper than that, you have one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know, and you're always willing to lend someone a helping hand. Your fascination with Starbucks both astounds and impresses me, the image of you were sipping on a iced latte on your way down the aisle on your wedding rehearsal will stick with me for an age. Your lasagna is the stuff of legends, always served with garlic bread and white wine, or when we fancied a change, the leftover aromas lingering from our indian takeaway boxes. Gibbo is in for a (gluten free!) treat, he's landed a bloody awesome chef for a wife.
In every aspect Gibbo is the luckiest man, you're already his best friend, but now, you're his wife, and I know that you will keep those vows, promises of a love that is timeless. You are my best friend, thank you.
                                                                          I love you
                                                                           <3

I Was Here

I want to leave my footprints on the sands of time, know there was something that, and something that I left behind. When I leave this world, I leave no regrets. Leave something to remember, so they won't forget.
I was hereI lived, I lovedI was here

Beyonce.






As women, we are scientifically programmed to pay more attention to our flaws than our positive attributes.God knows I'm guilty of it. Every morning I look in the mirror to put my makeup on and i automatically find myself staring  with intense anger at the things I cannot stand about myself.
I hate my red hair, i don't like my body from the waist down, and i'm not a fan of my square jaw. And those are just a few; i could go on for a while.

 One lunchtime in the staffroom, a group of 6 women i work with were talking about this very subject, and so we decided to name one thing we would change about ourselves  if we could, and one thing we loved. The responses were staggering, 'i hate my stomach, i would cut it off if i wouldn't die from blood loss' 'my stretchmarks make me feel physically sick when i see them' ' my boobs are too big for my body'. The women concerned were all between 20 and mid forties, our self esteem doesn't improve with age, just our ways of adapting and hiding our insecurity does. However, not surprising was every negative discussed was a physical attribute, and we all struggled to find something we wouldn't change.

It's said endlessly, the pressure females face these days is overwhelming. I'm 22, i couldn't imagine being 14, 15, 16 and feeling body confident in this day and age. The trouble is, we've placed perceived beauty as a priority higher than intelligence, humour, contentment. We aspire to have the face of Megan Fox, and the body of Rosie Huntington Whitley. We watch programmes like TOWIE where plastic surgery, veneers and wearing fake eyelashes to bed is normal. How is it normal? Just how? We pour over magazines for diet tips, we buy slimming underwear, and we use blemish balm creams to eliminate any inconsistencies on our skin. Because, let's face it, we all want to feel attractive.

I'm not bashing it, I'm really not. I love makeup, my benefit blusher is practically my best friend, I like my wonderbra and Kurt Gieger shoes and I'm a ginger who isn't adverse to a bit of fake tan.  My point is this. These women shouldn't be your role models.  Fridha Kahlo, Jodie Picoult, Emily Pankhurst, Sophia Bush, are all women I look up to.Google them.

We're all so quick as women to bitch about other girls, and to an extent it's natural, therapeutic even. But we have to remember, we're already at a disadvantage, we still earn less then men, we aren't taken seriously in certain professions, and  we constantly have to balance being sexy, funny, serious, and cute. We need to bloody stick together instead of being so quick to judge. Starting with ourselves, concentrate on our positives.


You shouldn't have to alter who you are to be content. Like i said earlier there are things about myself I'd change. But there are things I've learned to like. I like my freckles, I like my eyes. I'm loyal, honest and determined, I would do anything for the people I care about. My body might be far from perfect, but it lets my run around after my godson, dance like an idiot, hug someone who needs it. I especially like my left foot, it has a tattoo written in my dads handwriting, which reads 'no less than the trees and the stars' from Desiderata. The full line of the poem is

'You are a child of the universe. No less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here'

There are people in this world that love you exactly how you are, nothing more, nothing less.


I repeat. You have a right to be here.

We don't need no education

I recently left my job. I was on a one year contract to work as a teaching assistant and a learning support assistant to a 5 year old girl in year 1 in a school with a low socioeconomic status. I was told it would be hard, but i 'd had previous experience in schools, so arrogantly, i thought it would be a breeze. It wasnt, far far from it. It was however the best year of my life. So here is a list of things i learnt this year. Never underestimate your own patience, if you can withstand being bitten, punched in the face and being pinched frequently, you'll be okay. A child can make friends quicker than i can find the ice cream aisle n tescos, and they laugh, a lot. Be more likee them. They always say what they think, and arent ashamed to ask stupid questions. I was asked if i had turned into a robot because i had a leg brace on. They will never tire of hearing their favourtie book, and playing 'what's the time Mr Wolf ' will never get old. Always report suspicions, and go with your gut. If it doesnt feel right, it probably isnt. Mothers/fathers are ridiculously competitive, but get their child singing and you have them in tears. They never run out of energy, ever. They get excited about butterflies, ladybirds and woodlice. They are way more accepting of those with differences than adults and look after their peers in a way adults should examine and replicate. Their outlook on life s simple, eat, sleep, play, laugh. Photocopiers break ridiculously easy, run and hide from the office ladies when this happens. School dinners arent tha bad anymore. Check your pigeon hole regularly. Run an after school club, the impact it can have will suprise you. Trust them, they trust you. Things i learnt from working with an autistic child. Every small step is one more to progress and a smile. Colours are beautiful. Sometimes you just need to scream. Likewise sometimes you just need to go and lie on the field and cloud watch. Every small thing on his earth like a flower in bloom is a miracle. Hugs are rare, and if you recieve them, you should count your lucky stars. If you arent being understood, rephrase. A smile and hearing thank you is the biggest reward you can imagine. I never thought i'd get so attached, but without sounding cheese galore, my class this year has completely shaped who i will be as a teacher and a parent. Theyve taught me patience, gratitude, understanding and are th funniest and bloody lovliest group of kids know. Theyve changed my outlook on everything. Thank you.

Redemption days

One day is both a popular best seller and a universal concept to which nobody is a stranger. That belief that there is one person, that you are symbiotic with, that you breathe a little easier with and whos heart fits neatly alongside your own. But I've always wondered how One day, one person, one kiss, and one song can change your life. Walking into a pub at a particular time, taking a random flight somewhere or knowing when you need to walk away to protect yourself are things that could potentially completely change the course of your life. As much as i hate to admit this, i think everything happens for a reason, to teach you a lesson and prepare you for what will come tomorrow. But take a minute and think of all the things you'd do if you only had one day to change everything. One day: I will not be a second fucking choice. I will have the strength to say no, and to realise you dont like me as much as you like my attention. I will not let you call the shots, dictate my feelings and look to you for validation. I will realise i love you but cant have you, and i will let myself be an inconsolable mess for one week, instead of holding on to a fraying strand of distant hope. I will not let you pick me up and throw me down as you please. I will listen to others who say i deserve more. I will start a book. Instead of writing 4 separate drafts and deleting every last one, i will have the conviction in my own abilities. I will stop thinking i know what is best all the time, because clearly the decisions i make dont always make my life any easier or better for that matter. Be more willing to accept the help when you need it, dont be so stubborn. I will surround myself with people who i love, and who equally love me back. I wont let people walk all over me and i will learn not to forgive so easily. I will drink and laugh more, stayout till 6am on a school night, and be more irresponsible because you only get one chance. I will ask my mother and father to make a list of advice theyd give, books they read and memories they have, and live more like them. Because really, they are the best people i know. Gracious, and so generous, they make and have made so many sacrifices, and yet still want more for us. They love each other as much as they did when they met, and still hold hands when they walk together. I want that. you only have as much time as is in One Day. Look at the clock. Change your life in 24 hours.