I'm tangled up in you

This is my third post, reviewing my year gone by and writing down in concrete my hopes for the year ahead, so: here it goes. Goodbye 2013, you've taught me a lot, hello 2014, please be kind.

Highlights:

 I passed my driving test, only seven years late, but, first time with only three minors and my brother who drives the blue lights run for the police passed with fourteen. Smug. I went to Reading festival and saw some amazing bands;Green Day, Bastille, Disclosure, Imagine Dragons, The 1975, Eminem, Chase and Status to name a few. I almost met someone who turned my world upside down. It's not a conventional relationship, but he makes me the happiest I've been for a long time, and now I can't imagine him not being around. He's taught me to be calm, to smile, to be silly, to not bottle things up and to stop being so serious, that life doesn't stop when you take five minutes for yourself. He's  perfect and everything I've ever wanted, and i still get butterflies every time he looks at me. I cant believe I get to wake up next to him. He also got me McBusted tickets for Christmas, and for that alone he is my favourite thing in the world.

Resolutions from 2012 for 2013

1. Drink and swear less

I'm getting there, I don't drink as much as I used to, and my swearing is less frequent from spending all my time in a classroom full of impressionable children. The consequence of both is I actually feel like a better person, and to continue that I'm actually giving up alcohol in January completely, so we'll see how long that lasts. 

2. Pass my QTS tests, graduate and land a teaching job for September

Despite having to teach Maths everyday, I hate it and  have severe Maths phobia. So when told I had a 45 minute exam at A grade GCSE standard ( I got a C in mine. Just) and if I didn't pass it by my third attempt I couldn't teach for two years, it was easy to say I had a breakdown. I revised for five hours every weekend from December to February and it paid off. I passed first time, likewise with my English QTS test. It just goes to show how much hard work, focus and determination pays off. 

Landing a job was unreal, landing a job at my dream school was even better. I adore my class despite the fact they named me 'Miss Moose' when I lost my voice. Charming. 

3. Take a holiday

In July I spent two weeks in the Red Sea with my parents. It was actually beautiful and I couldn't have asked for a more perfect time away relaxing before September. I got an actual tan, and not just a multitude of freckles; however, I did land the day I went to Reading though, and subsequentially spent a lot of time asleep in my tent.

4. Spend more time with my parents

This was achieved, but for bittersweet reasons. In 2011, whilst in New York, my dad had awful bad back pain, which he put off as being from walking outside in minus temperatures. This continued to flare up now and again, and it was only when my parents went away to Mexico in April, that when my dad couldn't stand, or walk, that upon  his return, my brother drove him to A&E. I had started placement the day before and mum picked me up and I knew. It sounds ridiculous, but I'd felt sick all day and couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. I think we sat in the car for over an hour, crying into each others arms, then composing ourselves to walk through the door to be positive for the most important man in both of our lives. 

 It was confirmed my dad had advanced prostate cancer which had spread to his bones. The next few days were destroying. At first Dad wasn't going to go for the scans and it was only when I bawled my eyes out in front of him saying I wasn't ready to lose him, that he agreed to go.  I sat in that waiting room for over two hours staring into space whilst he had a whole body scan, thinking of how the next few months may go and every single possibility.  He spent hours in scans to see how far the cancer had spread and for a while we didn't know whether or not it was terminal. It turned out the cancer has spread to his legs, hips, pelvis and spine and this cannot be cured, but can be controlled. Through treatment his prostate levels have returned to within a normal range and he has to have four- monthly check ups to keep an eye on him. There may come a time where his treatment stops working, but for now, we're hopeful, and that's all you can be.

For this reason, and this reason alone, this year was one of the worst of my life. But it taught me the strength of a family unit.The importance of family, The importance of never going to sleep angry. The importance of saying I love you every single day. Twice, three times a day if you feel the need to say it. The importance of laughter. The importance of hope. The importance of positive thinking. The importance of him. His grace, strength and humility through the process reminded me of exactly why he's my hero.  

 

5.Rise above it.

I'm still trying. It's harder than it seems.

6. Be better. 

I think all in all, I'm a better person now than I was this time last year, and in the end, that's all that's important. That's not to say I didn't make mistakes though.

 Growth. Reflection. Change.

Lessons Learnt from 2013

Family first. Always. Not straightening your hair everyday isn't such a bad thing. If you mention you like chocolate oranges in passing, you will end up with fifteen at Christmas from your class. Drinking more sophisticated drinks does not lessen the hangover. Your friends calling you to say shes pooing at a time when you think you might die is a healer. Positivity is important. Rekordilig cider is incredible. Having a giant bear onsie is the best. Cuddling up on the sofa is just as good as going out, if not better. Taking time for yourself is necessary. Life does not end if you cannot do everything perfectly all the time. Somebody will love you even when you're not wearing makeup.

Things to look forward to next year.

Passing my QTS year, hopefully. Going to see, Bastille, Gary Barlow, One Direction and Mcbusted. Taking a holiday with the boy. Seeing my brother get married. 

Resolutions for 2014

1. Stop complaining. DO something

2. Eat cleaner.

3. Expect nothing in return.

4. Save more

5.Take sometime to breathe

                                                             

Remember that.

 How will YOU spend your 1440 minutes of a day?

 Get out.

 Do something great. 

Be something great.

     

A while ago, I proclaimed that men and women could be friends in a purely platonic way. I lied. It's impossible. I think, at one point or another, I have fancied every single one of my male friends. Be it for a day, a week or a month.

 However. There is a downside to my revelation.


I met my boyfriend's best friend last night and yes, she is a girl and yes I spent the entire week panicking about what to wear, how to have my hair, and whether I'd like her. But actually, I came very quickly to realise that none of that mattered, because she didn't like me.

The funny thing is though, she didn't speak to me. Not. A.Word.

 I braved my nerves and smiled sweetly and said hello, but she looked at me for approximately twelve seconds, flicked her eyes over me like I was something she'd stepped on, then proceeded to talk to my boyfriend for ten minutes whilst occasionally looking at me as if to say, ' Why are you  even here?' She then spent portions of the night pointing and staring at me with her friends, in a way that is about as subtle as neon sign  could be.

  I've come to the logical conclusion that the only reason she could have such a strong dislike for me without even engaging in a one word conversation with me, is this: She fancies her best friend.

Now, my boyfriend is adorable, without being bias. My friends love him, my parents love him, my colleagues love him. And now, it would seem, it's taken her to see him with someone else, for her to realise that she loves him too.

Now this is awkward. 

It's hard because I know the following things.

1. He wants to be with me. and doesn't think of her like that.
2. He would choose me over her if it came down to it. (He told me. I'm not being one of those girls and it would take a lot for him to do that as he is the sweetest guy I've ever known.)
3. He's fuming with how she treated me. (We left halfway through the Basketball match)
4. She's a shit cheerleader (I watched, and laughed obviously. But to myself; I don't want to be a bitch)

So why have I got ice cold shivers at the thought of her hating me because of how I think she feels for him and her being in his life?

I think it's because I knew from the start that she would potentially be a problem.

Women's instinct.
It's never usually wrong.

Move.

So.

I used to blog about the single life and my multitude of mistakes, embarrassments and awkwardness in general everyday life. However, now the unspeakable has happened and I have a boyfriend I've realized, that I'm just as bloody socially incompetent as ever.

Girls complain about being single. They complain about their gym fees, to get the perfect body so that someone will want to run their hands over it, the perfect haircut so that that person will put it in a fit of passion, and the perfect outfit that can be slowly teased off and tossed aside on the floor. They complain about nobody loving them.

Let's re-evaluate.

You don't have to shave half as often.You can practically grow a national forest on your body because there's nobody there to scrutinize it and judge you for feeling like a hairy Christmas Jumper. You can wear the same outfit on the three dates you'll go on this week because you know it looks good and not have to panic when you have nothing to wear. You can go out without makeup on because nobody will care, and you won't feel the stares that scream, " WHAT is he doing with her?"  You don't have the aching feeling when they leave and you know you won't see them for another week because they live an hour away.  You don't have to spend millions on Ann Summers underwear, which might make your boobs look amazing, but also makes you feel like you are being squeezed by an anaconda. You also get the benefit of having a normal sleeping pattern, you don't reach out at night and wake up to realise they aren't there.

QUIT COMPLAINING.

However, I have to admit. Being this happy is pretty damn good. My friends may hate me and the permanently etched smile on my face and I might sing along to songs on the radio a little louder but I think having somebody pull you back into centre is well worth it.

 So I'll take the loss of earnings to razors, underwear  and foundation, because really I know that I could turn up in trackies, with a pineapple on my head, my translucent skin on display and he'd still be there to take my hand and tell me I'm beautiful the way I am.

He'd be a liar though. Obviously.

But seriously, just go. Get Set.

English Rain

I graduated from Winchester uni this week, I'd only been there a year for my PGCE year, but i'm actually really going to miss the place.

 I'm going to miss the Learning Cafe and the struggle to find a space, and the calls of the coffee bar workers who scream out "PANINI "every 5 minutes. I'm going to miss the library staff, who really  I pity because their job is to basically suck the fun out of everybody's attempts to remain positive in a place that makes Azkaban look homely. I'm even going to miss the lecturers who blatantly hated me and my incessant need to talk through their classes and send me warning emails about my behaviour.

I had the best year there, but this transition terrifies me.

I am now an adult. In an adult job, with adult pay with a lot of  adult responsibilities.

 I also now have a boyfriend; he gives me butterflies with a glance, is the most caring person I've ever met and still finds me attractive without makeup on at 6am. Somehow, and I don't know exactly why, he wants to be with me. and I have suggested he undergoes a psychiatric evaluation just to ensure he isn't criminally insane. Either that or he needs a trip to Specsavers. We've booked to go to Ireland over New Year and now I'm actually acting my age instead of living like I'm still eighteen with all the time in the world. (I say this and I went into a sofa shop the other weekend with him, to pretend to be buying a sofa just so we could test which one we liked best. He is such a babe.)

Can I have Bernard's watch and just freeze time? Everything seems a little too perfect and centered; it's like I'm sat on the front porch, waiting for the hurricane to arrive and cause havoc.

Lover's Eyes

It happened. I am no longer a cat lady.

I am one of those 'sets her background to her bf', people.
One of those people who don't mind other couples kissing or being happy in public.
 I don't even squirm when he holds my hand.
I don't get butterflies, more like gigantic moths
I smile at the at the most ridiculous things and find the most inane things hilarious and think to myself 'I must remember to show him that'
It's disgusting how happy I am, and yet, the world spins madly on.

All of my Flaws are laid out one by one.

                 

 Right. I'm going to admit something here. I have never, ever cheated on a boyfriend, but I've been the other girl. You know the one. The one who gets cheated with. 7 times. 7 bloody times. Some I knew had girlfriends, some decided to tell me after, or not at all and I found out through other people. No this isn't something I'm proud of, it's just the facts.  I've come to a realisation, that as I approach 24 it's time to stop being a whore.

This comes after a particularly stupid incident from the weekend. I kissed a guy I've known for years who has a girlfriend, immediately regretting it, immediately realising what an utter pillock I was being. But, here comes the best part of the story, he told his girlfriend, I got a torrent of abuse, (which had such poor grammar, I had to laugh) and he has now blocked and deleted me on Facebook.

He obviously told his girlfriend half of the story, failing to mention that he came into my tent, he kissed me, and I  was the one to stop it from continuing, and from what I gather, made it sound like I practically dropped my knickers when he helped me set up my tent and that I was planning it all along.

I had to laugh.

It is always the girl that faces the abuse, when really, as much as I am to blame, he was the one with the girlfriend. Not me. I don't have a two year attachment, I don't have a commitment to somebody else for that very reason. It makes me wonder why girls face the names, the social awkwardness, the feelings of regret, and the guy gets away scott-free. Every one of the 7 has anyway. As far as I know, at least 3 of them are still with their girlfriends, who are unassuming,and  unknowing and 2 other girlfriends know, but are still with their boyfriends, who I know have cheated again since. As long as their stories are covered I guess. He'll be fine, none of his friends knew what happened, so he could tell her anything and she wouldn't know he's edited the events.

I don't know what I'd do if my boyfriend cheated, and to be fair, I probably deserve it to happen to me, but I for sure wouldn't message the other girl in question. I could tell her the details he has conveniently left out, but I think staying silent may be better, let her to continue to live in her bubble until it inevitably bursts again.

It always does.

                           

I'm ready to question

I've always professed myself to be the type  of woman that Destiny's Child sung about in 'Independent Woman'. I've got friends who make my ribs hurt, family who put up with me, (even in the mornings) and a job that I've always dreamed of.

I've been single for a while. That's not to say I haven't had dates and dalliances with men, some of which I've even liked, but none of which I've wanted to be my..God, I can't even say it but..boyfriend. Okay, that's a lie, there was one, but although constantly being re read and re edited, that particular story stays the same; nothing really changes and as much as it makes me want to jump into a shark tank having cut my leg when shaving, I'm coming to terms with the fact that it's not a fairy-tale.

So it came to my attention when a five year old asked why I didn't have a boyfriend, because I'm "old" that as much as it pains me to admit it, I miss being somebody's girlfriend. I'm quite picky when it comes to guys because I don't see the point in going on dates for the sake of it, dating is stressful as it is without the whole 'Does he actually like me, or does he just want to get in my pants?' scenario.

I don't want the perfect Ryan Gosling (though I wouldn't kick him out of bed) because life isn't like that, so may I present to you, my case for Nick Miller of New Girl. Yes, he's fictional, yes he's neurotic, and yes, he steals women's coats and wears them, but he's hilarious, kind and sarcastic. Plus he has killer stubble.

In case you haven't seen New Girl ,and if you haven't be ashamed, Nick and Jess are the type of friends with obvious sexual tension, who deny their feelings for each other, date other people, but who always come back to each other like magnets. She's quirky and optimistic, and he's downtrodden and a borderline alcoholic with low self-esteem, but they work. It's effortless because they're friends.

I want to go back to feeling butterflies and the rush of getting a text or Facebook message from somebody I like without the feeling of guilt and depression when it doesn't go the way I envisioned. I miss being able to wear my hair in a pineapple on my head, wear sweatpants and glasses with no makeup and not care because I have a boyfriend who isn't phased by my startling translucent skin and non existent eyelashes .

Let me be clear. this isn't an AGM for a single's support network, it's not a post that's meant to sound self-deprecating or sad, I'm fine being single. I enjoy being able to go out last minute on a Saturday night and not have to text someone to tell them I'm home safe, or worry about meeting their parents and whether I should slightly flirt with their dad or not.

But it would be nice to have someone to make me a cup of tea in the morning and hold my hand in public, even if PDAs do make me cringe. So, Nick Miller, call me.