Free Falling

The female population. Half of the world. All individuals, but really girls are all the same . Yes we have boobs, turn into the Incredible Hulk one week per month, and have an infinity with shoes, but we are still all individuals in our own right. However, there is one other thing, that binds us.

 Our ability to like a bad boy.

I admit, I have the worst taste in men. I seem to pick men purely on their ability to make my blood boil. I also lust over fictional pricks as well, Chuck Bass (Gossip Girl) is my current non existent boyfriend. He is literally the world’s biggest twat, takes drugs, is a serial womanizer, sleeps around and is the most manipulative man ever to grace my television screen. But I actually think, that’s why I love him.

 When you’re with a guy who treats you bad, you appreciate it more when he does one decent thing. Most likely he has a killer smile which lets him get away with murder, and when he flashes it, you forget why you were mad in the first place. The fights are intense, you break up and make up more times than Spencer Matthew changes his made in Chelsea girlfriend. But you can’t say it’s not exciting. It’s thrilling, the drama of it all. Girls also want to be the one that changes a prick into, well, less of a prick. But if we're being honest, I think deep down, we all know they'll never change, but we're in it for the challenge.


 Nice boys just float along, buying you flowers, opening doors for you, and generally being Prince Charming. Boring hell. I couldn't think of anything worse than stability, predictability and getting stuck in a rut. Give me wildness, surprises and adventures any day. Even if he does make my mascara run. 

I kiss your lips and taste everyone you've had tonight

I LOVE Boris Johnson, I really do. I love his hair, how he claims Ping Pong is called Whiff Whaff and it originated in the UK and how he generally bumbles about his life. His election appeals were nothing short of comedic genius, and he appeared to literally not give a shit because he knew everyone loved him. Me and my friend Vicky got discussing what rules we'd make if we were London Mayor...To be fair some of these are Vicky's but they are necessary additions.

Free concerts Trafalgar Sq, with decent acts and upcoming artists. Relationship advice on the  National curriculum. Lower the prices of Topshop. Every person get's one free Nando's per month. Good personal hygiene or you can move to Liverpool with the other dirty scum. Decrease prices on all public transport. once a month there would be a three day weekend, no Mondays. Pitbull and Flo Rida pay $1million everytime they have a new song out which will guaranteed to be shit and overplayed, sorting the economic crisis out. Urban Outfitters would have to supply my wardrobe every month. Football/Rugby shirts can never be worn in public. The News must only report positive stories every Monday- start of the week is already depressing as it is. People who wear 3/4 length leggings are shot. Get every school to work alongside a specialist school for Special Educational Needs. Men must wear a suit on the last Friday of the month. June Bank Hol massive street party on Southbank, celebrity chefs MUST give up their time to run stalls. Cath Kidston and Erdem w would have to collaborate and decorate my office. the Olympic Stadium would be used for underprivileged schools  for their Sports Days for those who don't have fields, with specialist coaches. Gabriella from Made in Chelsea would be permanently silenced by being forced to listen to her own music which will both render her deaf and unable to speak with the torture. Also I'd shave her head. Every Office to get a delivery of Starbucks and Millie's Cookies on a Friday.


I'll be running for Mayor in 2015...x

With grace in your heart, and flowers in your hair.

So, tonight, one of the girls came round, and we literally spoke about the past for two hours, talking about getting sent out of classes, boyfriends, memories and regrets. Don't get me wrong, some things were painful and genuinely made me tear up five years after they happened, and others made me laugh until my ribs hurt, such as reminiscing about the time I served a volleyball full pelt into the face of a girl I didn't like in PE. I promise you I'm nice really.

But it got me thinking about things that I would tell my daughter, because of lessons I've learnt, advice I'd pass on through my mistakes.

1.Losing your virginity is not like losing your Blackberry, it's not something you can claim back on insurance. Regret does not a broken hymen mendeth.

2. Your first love will shape you in ways you aren't even aware of. Because of them you'll discover  who you will be in every single relationship after. What turns you on, your arguing style,  how you like to be kissed, and ultimately  your pain threshold. Because when it ends, you will feel like you're going to die. Most first love's are bittersweet.

3. School really is the best time of your life. From finger painting in primary school, to having two hours minimum of exercise a week at secondary school.  Appreciate the fact that you don't have to pay for a gym.

4. If your Dad doesn't like a boy he probably has reason. I'll pretend to like him for your sake, but when it comes down to it, I'm siding with your Dad.

5.  If you find something you're passionate about ; whether it's art, writing, sport, music, or ballet. I will ride your ass to be the best you can be. Do not complain about having to train hard, or that it interrupts your hectic pubescent social life, because you'd be more angry if later in life you realised you could have been great at something instead of simply good.

6. Take as many photos as you can. Write who/what they're of and how they made you feel. Look back on them when you're 50.

7. Sometimes, as much as it kills you, it's better to keep your mouth shut and opinions to yourself. You might think you're helping, but you don't really know the inner workings of the universe or the person you're gwarping  on to.

8. the things you don't like about yourself the most, are the things that make you who you are, and for someone that will be the thing they love the most about you.

9.  I will never let you cut your waist length hair to above your shoulders. I will not be as evil as your Grandmother.

10. You will go to parties, where the cool kids are, but if you EVER smoke/drink/do drugs to 'fit in'  you will be grounded until your 25th birthday. Actually, just don't do it at all. When you ask me to buy you alcohol for parties, you better have a good argument/bribe me, and when you complain of your first ever hangover, I will let you crawl into my bed and I will buy you chocolate. After that, you're on your own. Also, never mix your drinks. I'll instill that in you at an early age. You'll thank me later. Beer than wine then you're fine, wine than beer, then you feel queer. Remember that.

11. Suncream is your friend. Especially if you inherit my skin tone. In advance, I'm sorry.

12. I WILL have the 'talk' with you every year without fail from the time you turn 14. It's always better to be safe than sorry. I will not leave it to the internet, magazines, and gossip from your friends. Because yes, you can get pregnant even if you shower afterwards/have sex standing up/are on your period or any other ridiculous myth. If a boy EVER tells you his balls will turn blue if he wears a condom i give you full permission to turn them blue with a well aimed kick.

13. Success is not purely down to natural talent. You have to work damn hard in order to achieve your goals. Aptitude, and luck play a part of course, but success and contentment come from something within that pushes you to strive to be better.  Do something you love for a living and you will never have to work a day in your life.


14. What goes around comes back around.


15 There will be times where you hate me, where life isn't fair, where you think I'm a bitch. But trust me, I will do everything for you.

I woke up today feeling a ridiculous amount of self pity and loathing for the word. So I thought I'd spend half hour complaining.

Here are some of the things that are wrong with the world.


We spend billions on useless space expeditions when there are millions of people across the globe without access to education, medical care or sanitation. The fact that Ben and Jerry's has about a million calories per teaspoon, everything that tastes nice invariably ends with me putting on weight.  One Tree Hill is ending after 9 seasons, what else am I meant to cry to now? Children with shitty ass parents- no, a packet of crisps is not a viable breakfast choice. Having to dye my eyebrows in order for them to even exist on my face. People who you are always there for, but they never repay the favour when you whisper, I could do with a little help right now. Maddie from Hollyoaks. The price of Kurt Geiger shoes,I don't want to pay a third of my wage for a pair of beautiful shoes thank you. The cost of fruit and veg, if you don't want an obese nation, lower the costs, idiots. Costa don't do deliveries. I miss people I shouldn't. Celebrity Big Brother. Beliebers trending shit like 'my body is ready for Justin' or 'Justin makes us wet', you probably haven't even got pubes yet, I didn't join twitter to projectile vomit everytime I look at the TT's. Nobody has invented a tablet that immediately gets rid of the pink in your white underwear when you throw in a red towel accidently. Gabriella from Made in Chelsea, and especially her Pro Activ advert, so.much.jaw. it's like she swallowed a car and it got stuck. People who feel it's acceptable to start talking to you in the line for the cinema/tescos. 14 year olds in love, um, sorry to break it to you, you'll have sex and break up, it's life, he's not your forever. Pick and Mix also don't offer a delivery service., not acceptable when you're craving foamy banana's at 8pm on a Sunday and the shops are shut. People living too far away. Harry Styles isn't my boyfriend. Expectations. Nutella. People with no morals. Bad stuff happening to the most wonderful people. Kindles. BOOKS ARE MEANT TO BE WELL THUMBED AND SMELL NICE, not read on a bloody virtual device. People who turn up late and ruin plans through being inconsiderate. Londoner's who aren't excited about the Olympics this year, you'll never see it here again in your lifetime, so shut the hell up and enjoy it, it exposes the majesty in everyone, dreams come true through sport. The scum on Jeremy Kyle. Being left behind.

Heartbreak.

But all i ever wanted was your heart

apparently i ruin my life when I drink. I feel it's appropriate and okay to be a complete dick.

this is why i'm giving up drinking.

Bye Bye Wine, You've been an amazing companion over the years, but we've outgrown each other. We need some time apart.

x

Lighter and the Liar

Oh maybe someday I will be something more,
Real with arms and legs so I can walk away and stay away forever and some more
Some more.

I'll stick around to watch this town fall down to it's knees,
You can pray the day that you hope is coming round real soon.
I will run and stay away in a place that I don't know well of,
You can chose a different song that you will soon love.

Well here are the reasons that hurt me the most.
Call off the search I'm coming home,
People lie once, but not on the third,
Not without reason, not for a girl.
The names will vary, the names they may change,
But the game, the game it stays the same, Oh love, we want the ones that we will grow to hate, to hate.



This song literally defines me at the moment. 

You, make me love the things I hate.

You would think, that at the grand old age of 22, that I would understand what it means and entails to be an adult I claim to be a grown up. I have a proper job, I do my own washing and I went to the hospital to get the news I needed surgery by myself. I lived without my parents for 3 years at uni, so it would be perfectly reasonable to assume that I am mature and have life sussed. I don't. Quite the contrary.

Selfishly, my parents abandoned me and jetted off to Antigua for the Easter holidays, and left me home alone for a week. I realized this was a mistake 24 hours in, when having been away for 3 days in Wales prior to their departure, I had nobody to pick me up from the train station after a 4 and a half- hour journey. Instead, I made friends with a taxi driver called Preeash who wanted to know my whole life story. He also knows where I live. I'm expecting to get a call from the bank telling me of identity theft any-day now.

I just about managed to cook for myself for the week, (mumma had generously stocked the fridge) and when the girls came down we ate at Nandos, and got  pizza. Healthy, no, practical, yes. However, it got to Wednesday, and I had run out of fruit, and I couldn't get to Tesco's because I'm still on crutches.Resorted to getting my vitamin C in the form of a multivitamin.

The worst bit? Taking out the bins. Yes, I'm spoilt. My parents don't make me do chores. So I was genuinely flummoxed by the two recycling bins, food bin, and food waste bin. I had NO.BLOODY.IDEA. So, what would an adult do? I rung my 28 year old brother whilst he was at work, and inquired as to what I needed to do. Shameful.

I've also discovered that I don't get any cooler in terms of relationships. I just think I do, but really I'm still fourteen years old. The boy who has etched a smile on my face recently is someone  who basically gives me a heart attack when I see him, and butterflies when he texts. However, in some ways I'm like a child in a toy shop, wanting something I can't have. Not the most adult approach to relationships.

So really, this week has taught me that I'm literally the world's worst adult. A girl who I think of as my little sister, has just left her small town, and moved to London by herself, to pursue something she loves. She's utterly fearless. I get aggy sleeping in my house alone in case there's a murderer lurking under my stairs. I rely far too much on the love, attention, taxi services and acceptance of others.

Maybe I need to grow up a bit. Or a lot.